The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
In a change of tone from “Moving Up without Losing Your Way,” University President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 announced that the pre-reading for the Class of 2026 will be “Oh, the Places You’ll Go” by Dr. Seuss. This change was the result of a general “dissatisfaction” with the content and length of pre-reads in recent years.
“Last year just seemed too niche, like, what if I wanted to lose my way?” remarked one member of the Class of 2025. “Our pre-reader never addressed this in his book. But again, I’ve never read it, so I wouldn’t know.
Following the announcement of this change, some students again challenged the decision.
“I find Seuss to be long and straight talking in circles most of the time,” a prospective Class of 2026 member commented. I stopped reading about halfway through – six pages give or take.
Another member of the Class of 2026 eagerly offered some book reviews.
“The book presents very good arguments. I actually have a brain in my head and my feet in my shoes. But can I really head in the direction I choose? I thought this raised some fascinating ontological questions and I look forward to discussing them with my zee group in the fall! said Avi Dreader.
Other students were less enthusiastic about the choice and described the book’s writing style as “a bit elementary”.
Spencer Bauman is associate satire editor. He can be contacted at [email protected]